Food is my religion

Americans are obsessed with food. I won't even ask whether or not you believe me, because I know you do. You've seen Food Network. You've probably heard of the Cooking Channel. And I bet you used to watch the Frugal Gourmet when you were a little kid, just like I did. Him and Bob Ross were my buddies.

So, we start young, watching TV shows with our parents, helping Mom or Dad in the kitchen when it's time to make dinner or baking cookies around the holidays with our grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents or family friends. We learn early on that food is important. In fact, it's one of the most important things in our lives - if we don't eat, we die. And it's not an involuntary function like breathing, or like our hearts pumping blood. We have complete control over what we eat, when we eat, and how we eat.

We could talk about how the obsession with food is hedonistic; people want their daily experiences to be pleasurable, and food is one of the most accessible pleasures in the developed world. Or, we could talk about how some people use food to self-soothe, reward, or punish themselves; if they do what they're supposed to and are "good," then they're rewarded (like having a cheeseburger after the gym). Conversely, if they're "bad" and skip the gym, throw a coworker under the bus, or do something else they're not "supposed" to do, then they are punished - with a bland salad, liver and onions, or some other dinner/lunch/snack they don't enjoy but must now eat.

Last time I got all philosophical/theoretical/wordylexical, however, shit got outta hand. So, today, we won't go there.

I've been using a variety of food blogs and recipe-generating/cataloguing websites lately, as I'm home on winter break from school and have decided I am obligated to cook dinner every night (I do genuinely enjoy cooking. Wife is much better at it than me, but I still have a good time doing it. I just know it won't be nearly as tasty). I have learned a number of things recently:

• Allrecipes is still just as hit-or-miss when it comes to quality of recipes as it was when it started years ago. "Kitchen-tested" does not necessarily equal tasty. But it's so easy and fun that I went from a casual browser to a real, account-holding member (the free account, not paid). 
• Potatoes absorb all the salt in your dish, and no matter how much curry and cumin you put in, it will still taste beige.
• Tofu, lentils and vegetables are still my bitches, after years of carnivorous eating, and I can mold them all into a satisfying mound of tasty goodness in under an hour. 
• On a related note, lentil loaf is super-delicious.

And one more, very important thing: People are nuts when it comes to food.

Straight-up vegetarian recipes are nearly impossible to find now; everything is vegan, because being vegan is healthier/more responsible/more eco-friendly/more politically correct/more trendy than being a vegetarian who also eats dairy, eggs and possibly fish. I assume this is because Americans, even the non-religious ones like myself, tend to approach everything they do with a religious zeal rivaling that of the Pope. "Go big or go home" is more than just a cute saying - it is apparently the new American dream. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum from vegans/veg*ns (vegetarians who don't want to admit that they sometimes eat fish and put butter on their locally-grown organic sweet potatoes which they baked in a wood-fired oven in the backyard) are the Paula Deens and Chris Cosentinos of the world. Everything is cooked in lard, butter or bacon fat. They believe in the divinity of offal. Pizza isn't pizza without pepperoni (or some other cured pork product). And nothing says "love" like meat covered with cheese cooked in butter/lard/bacon grease stacked high on a plate with a tall glass of milk and some buttery cookies for dessert. 

As far as I can tell, there's nothing inherently wrong with either of these philosophies. One group doesn't believe in eating animals; the other believes that if you're going to kill a cow or pig, you might as well eat all of it and use their blood to thicken the sauce. There is something wrong, however, with each group's execution of and devotion to their own philosophy.

Ready for it?

They get really mad at people who don't eat the way that they do.

Seriously, people? That's about as useful as getting mad at someone who was brought up Buddhist because you're a Christian. You both have deeply entrenched beliefs that are completely different, and it's extremely unlikely that either of you is going to change the other's mind just because you think you're more "right" than they are. 

Food is every bit as personal and divine as religion. And I have the same stance on dietary standards as I do on faith, which have remained unchanged since I was a militant ovo-lacto vegetarian in high school and college: You're not  going to change anyone's mind by being an overbearing asshole about it, so calm the hell down. 

Humans are equal-opportunity eating machines. Some people do just fine on a diet of meat, potatoes, cheese and gravy; others would become ill just thinking about that and have to purge their system with a week of raw vegetables. It's all about what you train your body to work with, and what your body tells you it needs to work best. 

So please, everyone, calm down, take a deep breath, and go eat a cheeseburger. Or a TVP burger with soy cheese, if that makes you feel better.